Have you heard yourself speak lately?

How about now, what are you saying?

I say that speaking is the second most important skill in life. Speaking is second only to listening. They really do go hand in hand though.

If you are not listening to yourself speak then how in the world do you know if your message gets communicated the way you intend it to go?

Here is a quote I love,

"We judge ourselves by our intentions and other people judge us by our actions."

What this means is, if we do not seek feedback on our communication, we are shooting in the dark with regards to how our message is being communicated. We have now idea what people are truly hearing.

Let's break down how we communicate first and then we will offer two guidelines and practices that will help us speak better.

Communication comes in three forms; verbal communication, non-verbal communication, and energy communication.

Verbal communication is when we speak. Using our voice we can form words, affect intonation, and most of the time we falsely believe this is the main form of how we communicate.

Non-verbal communication speaks louder than our voice and yet it is silent. This is why listening is the most important skill in life. Non-verbal communication is the message you send with your clothing, jewelry, the people you associate with, and your body language. If you non-verbal communication is not congruent with what you speak, your message will not get through as you intend it to.

For example, if I enter a school classroom as a teacher and I am dressed wearing tattered jeans, a t-shirt, and flip-flops, my teaching ability will be different than if I wore a casual business outfit. The message I send with my clothes is oftentimes more important than the message I send with my voice. Dress for Success.

Energy communication is unique in the sense that we cannot see energy. However, we can feel it. Have you noticed certain people when they walk into a room? Either they carry a very high, positive energy that attracts you or they can also carry a very low or negative energy and still get your attention. Energy is quiet, which again emphasizes the importance of listening skills. We can choose how to carry our own energy and thus we can affect other people in the positive or negative.

Let's put all three forms of communication together and talk about how to make our communication more effective.

Congruency

We need to practice being congruent and lining up all three of your forms of communication. Start with a short time period to practice with and then build from there. For example, choose a presentation or event that you can plan for and take a moment to decide how you want to present yourself. Think in terms of speaking verbally, non-verbally, and with your energy. Make sure the time frame is only one to three hours long and no more. Have this established?

Feedback

Head to your presentation or event and have your words line up with your clothing and mannerism which line up with your energy. Your next job is to find a mentor or someone you can trust and ask them what you communicated. When asking someone else to reflect what they heard simply say, "I am practicing my communication and I wonder what you heard me say? Can you share with me what you heard?" Compare this answer (and get a few if you can) to what you intended to say. How far off are you?

These practices will help you understand how your current communication gets heard. As you learn more about yourself you will be able to make small adjustments and speak more congruently and clearly. When you are able to communicate effectively people will relate to you more easily and this will help you establish relationships, without untested assumptions, quickly.

Remember this acronym to help you T.A.L.K.

Tell

All

Listen

Knowingly

Matthew Kuehlhorn is America's Mentor for Teens. He has created the Relationship Building System for Teen which is delivered in a compelling, illustrated novel, titled, "Bully."

He invites you to take advantage of an amazing offer for the Relationship Building System online at http://www.RulesoftheRoadforTeens.com. Matthew teaches the "Rules of the Road: Business, Finance, Life" to teenagers who are ready for the "keys" to their life! He offers mentoring programs, online and published resources, and locally organized "Success Clubs." Learn more by visiting his website above.