By Jennifer Little
School and dysfunctional families have little in common. School has rules that are usually uniformly and consistently enforced with consequences for violations known to all. Dysfunctional families may start out with rules, but the consequences for violating those rules may be unknown, inconsistent or inappropriate to the violation and what the individual needs to learn. Schools have structure to keep everyone calm for learning; dysfunctional families usually have no structure and chaos of emotions and behaviors.
How To Cope
Coping mechanisms usually fall into the fight or flight categories. In the "fight" category are the usual negative acting out behaviors: substance use/abuse, sexual exploration, delinquent acts of aggression or intimidation. But there can be positive "fight" behaviors related to showing teachers and peers how to overcome adversity. These behaviors include: finding a quiet place (possibly a library or a friend's house) to do homework and studying, making sure all rules are followed (even if they seem unreasonable or childish), turning in all assignments and getting good grades, getting a part-time job or finding extra-curricular activities you enjoy to fill time and keep you away from home.
The "flight" category typically involves leaving or running away from the problems. Typically teens faced with dysfunction at home find ways to move out, run away or avoid all conflict. Another method of "flight" is to become so focused on school or a job (or both) so there is no time for the stress of the family conditions, but the stress is still there and unaddressed.
A better option which is neither fight nor flight is to try to engage the adults in ways to reduce the stressors between the teen and the adults. Usually adults will be open to this solution, because they are not coping well themselves and will welcome reduced stress. This can easily be done through contracting for behaviors and desired results. For example, a teen might want some specific privilege (such as being allowed to have a job). The teen can write a contract stating what (s)he is willing to do (improve grades, clean the garage, cook dinner, etc.), for how long or how often (weekly, daily, for one grading period, etc.), and what the consequences/rewards of those behaviors would be (the job) and that once attained the teen will continue the agreed upon behaviors as long as (s)he has the privilege.
It make take several tries to get a working contract. Everyone involved must agree and consistently follow the agreed upon rules. It is worth working at learning how to do this well, because it reduces or eliminates all the uncertainties of what happens at home.
Jennifer Little, Ph.D.
All children can succeed in school. Parents can help their children by teaching the foundational skills that schools presume children have. Without the foundation for schools' academic instruction, children needlessly struggle and/or fail. Their future becomes affected because they then believe they are less than others, not able to succeed or achieve or provide for themselves or their families. Visit http://parentsteachkids.com to learn how to directly help your child and http://easyschoolsuccess.com to learn what is needed for education reform efforts to be successful.
School and dysfunctional families have little in common. School has rules that are usually uniformly and consistently enforced with consequences for violations known to all. Dysfunctional families may start out with rules, but the consequences for violating those rules may be unknown, inconsistent or inappropriate to the violation and what the individual needs to learn. Schools have structure to keep everyone calm for learning; dysfunctional families usually have no structure and chaos of emotions and behaviors.
How To Cope
Coping mechanisms usually fall into the fight or flight categories. In the "fight" category are the usual negative acting out behaviors: substance use/abuse, sexual exploration, delinquent acts of aggression or intimidation. But there can be positive "fight" behaviors related to showing teachers and peers how to overcome adversity. These behaviors include: finding a quiet place (possibly a library or a friend's house) to do homework and studying, making sure all rules are followed (even if they seem unreasonable or childish), turning in all assignments and getting good grades, getting a part-time job or finding extra-curricular activities you enjoy to fill time and keep you away from home.
The "flight" category typically involves leaving or running away from the problems. Typically teens faced with dysfunction at home find ways to move out, run away or avoid all conflict. Another method of "flight" is to become so focused on school or a job (or both) so there is no time for the stress of the family conditions, but the stress is still there and unaddressed.
A better option which is neither fight nor flight is to try to engage the adults in ways to reduce the stressors between the teen and the adults. Usually adults will be open to this solution, because they are not coping well themselves and will welcome reduced stress. This can easily be done through contracting for behaviors and desired results. For example, a teen might want some specific privilege (such as being allowed to have a job). The teen can write a contract stating what (s)he is willing to do (improve grades, clean the garage, cook dinner, etc.), for how long or how often (weekly, daily, for one grading period, etc.), and what the consequences/rewards of those behaviors would be (the job) and that once attained the teen will continue the agreed upon behaviors as long as (s)he has the privilege.
It make take several tries to get a working contract. Everyone involved must agree and consistently follow the agreed upon rules. It is worth working at learning how to do this well, because it reduces or eliminates all the uncertainties of what happens at home.
Jennifer Little, Ph.D.
All children can succeed in school. Parents can help their children by teaching the foundational skills that schools presume children have. Without the foundation for schools' academic instruction, children needlessly struggle and/or fail. Their future becomes affected because they then believe they are less than others, not able to succeed or achieve or provide for themselves or their families. Visit http://parentsteachkids.com to learn how to directly help your child and http://easyschoolsuccess.com to learn what is needed for education reform efforts to be successful.
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