By Louise M Evans
To understand how to overcome a bully we must first understand 'what a bully' is.. You may find this answer quite surprising...
In fact, it is interesting that both the bullied child and the bully themself display and share the same characteristic. The difference between the two is one (the bullied) displays this characteristic inward and the other (the bully) displays this characteristic outward.
Now that we have the understanding.. we know that the bully and the bullied need compassion, care and understanding rather than the blame, exclusion and loneliness they feel.
It is fascinating to see when we have both combinations in our Self Esteem classes it becomes almost undetectable as to who is the bully and who is the bullied.. This is because when we start addressing the concern they both go into learning mode and start to find a way out of their low self esteem trap.
I can hear you asking.. Low Self Esteem?? Why would my child have low self esteem?
This is an answer that can go on forever.. but putting it simply low self esteem can come from a variety of sources from a simple comment that was made by a peer to a tragic event in the Child's life.
High self esteem is built over a period of time but can be broken in one moment. Children with high self esteem are resilient to bullies because they know that the bully is talking out of line and it does not reflect their moral code.
Now to the matter at hand...
How to teach kids effective bullying techniques
1. INITIAL REACTION
A bully is looking for a reaction - The old saying "Any attention is good attention" is very fitting in this situation. The best way to treat this is to not react. Show no emotion and walk away. It seems simple on paper, but can be tricky in heated moments to do. The next 6 steps will help with this.
2. HANDLING EMOTIONS
Self soothing and using calming techniques can help here. If your child gets flustered and often teary from a bully teach them a few easy self soothing techniques.
- If crying is an issue - teach them to tickle the roof of their mouth with their tongue. No one can tell they are doing it and it works!
- If getting flustered and controlling a mouthful back to a bully is an issue - ask your child to make eye contact with the bully - count to five and walk away. A bully does not like eye contact.
3. PASSIVE - ASSERTIVE - AGGRESSIVE
Teach your child about the structure of behaviour. Explain to the child that he/she is on one end and the bully is on the other. The person who manages to get to the assertive bit in the middle will be the one who can control the situation.
4. EYE CONTACT (my favourite technique)
Teach your child the importance of eye contact. Explain that the bully is trying to overpower them and control them with negative aggressive behaviour. If a child makes eye contact with bully until the bully looks away then the power begins to shift. This will make the bully feel very uncomfortable and will most likely cause a little outburst with words like "what are you staring at idiot" or something to that affect. Explain to your child that the first person who speaks and breaks the eye contact is the one who will back away.. Bullies do not like confrontation and a noticeable drop in bully behaviour should happen after a few attempts at this.
**note, we are trying to balance the power and not over balance so it is important to teach your child to not call names, belittle once they have learnt this technique.
5. FRIENDSHIP NETWORK
If your child is not very confident in making friends at school and they often say that they do not play with anyone then this is like a moth to a flame for a bully. They are only after the underpuppy. Ask your child who they would like to be friends with at school and then try to befriend that Childs mum at your school. I believe honesty is always the best approach and would say to the other parent that your child is finding it hard to make friends but has mentioned that she would like to get to know her child. Suggest an afterschool play date at a neutral place like a playground. Safety in numbers couldn't be more true so try to do this technique with a few mums.
6. ROLE PLAY
We have uncovered quite a few techniques that read easy on paper but discussing this with your child can get quite messy if it isn't played out first.. My advice is role play what you are going to go through with your child on a friend or partner. Then when you are discussing this with your child, Role play each situation with your child. Take it in turns of being the bully and being your child. Most importantly have fun with role playing, don't make it too dark.
7. REPORT
If it is getting physical then a line needs to be drawn
Report to your childs teacher that bullying is happening
You have gone through these techniques
Every week follow up with the teacher
If it becomes physical or escalates in any way it is time to make a formal complaint to the teacher and principal if necessary.
Under no circumstance is it ok to approach the parents of the bully.. Remember the bully has low self esteem too and this will come across as an attack no matter how politely you put it.
Plus, sometimes... Bully kids are from bully parents.
If you would like to know more about how our classes can help your child build the confidence and display assertive behaviour then please contact us on 1300 716 360 for your nearest centre.
To the success of your family
http://www.selfesteemcentre.com.au
Perth, Australia
1300 716 360
Louise Evans
http://www.selfesteemcentre.com.au
Perth, Australia
1300 716 360
To understand how to overcome a bully we must first understand 'what a bully' is.. You may find this answer quite surprising...
In fact, it is interesting that both the bullied child and the bully themself display and share the same characteristic. The difference between the two is one (the bullied) displays this characteristic inward and the other (the bully) displays this characteristic outward.
Now that we have the understanding.. we know that the bully and the bullied need compassion, care and understanding rather than the blame, exclusion and loneliness they feel.
It is fascinating to see when we have both combinations in our Self Esteem classes it becomes almost undetectable as to who is the bully and who is the bullied.. This is because when we start addressing the concern they both go into learning mode and start to find a way out of their low self esteem trap.
I can hear you asking.. Low Self Esteem?? Why would my child have low self esteem?
This is an answer that can go on forever.. but putting it simply low self esteem can come from a variety of sources from a simple comment that was made by a peer to a tragic event in the Child's life.
High self esteem is built over a period of time but can be broken in one moment. Children with high self esteem are resilient to bullies because they know that the bully is talking out of line and it does not reflect their moral code.
Now to the matter at hand...
How to teach kids effective bullying techniques
1. INITIAL REACTION
A bully is looking for a reaction - The old saying "Any attention is good attention" is very fitting in this situation. The best way to treat this is to not react. Show no emotion and walk away. It seems simple on paper, but can be tricky in heated moments to do. The next 6 steps will help with this.
2. HANDLING EMOTIONS
Self soothing and using calming techniques can help here. If your child gets flustered and often teary from a bully teach them a few easy self soothing techniques.
- If crying is an issue - teach them to tickle the roof of their mouth with their tongue. No one can tell they are doing it and it works!
- If getting flustered and controlling a mouthful back to a bully is an issue - ask your child to make eye contact with the bully - count to five and walk away. A bully does not like eye contact.
3. PASSIVE - ASSERTIVE - AGGRESSIVE
Teach your child about the structure of behaviour. Explain to the child that he/she is on one end and the bully is on the other. The person who manages to get to the assertive bit in the middle will be the one who can control the situation.
4. EYE CONTACT (my favourite technique)
Teach your child the importance of eye contact. Explain that the bully is trying to overpower them and control them with negative aggressive behaviour. If a child makes eye contact with bully until the bully looks away then the power begins to shift. This will make the bully feel very uncomfortable and will most likely cause a little outburst with words like "what are you staring at idiot" or something to that affect. Explain to your child that the first person who speaks and breaks the eye contact is the one who will back away.. Bullies do not like confrontation and a noticeable drop in bully behaviour should happen after a few attempts at this.
**note, we are trying to balance the power and not over balance so it is important to teach your child to not call names, belittle once they have learnt this technique.
5. FRIENDSHIP NETWORK
If your child is not very confident in making friends at school and they often say that they do not play with anyone then this is like a moth to a flame for a bully. They are only after the underpuppy. Ask your child who they would like to be friends with at school and then try to befriend that Childs mum at your school. I believe honesty is always the best approach and would say to the other parent that your child is finding it hard to make friends but has mentioned that she would like to get to know her child. Suggest an afterschool play date at a neutral place like a playground. Safety in numbers couldn't be more true so try to do this technique with a few mums.
6. ROLE PLAY
We have uncovered quite a few techniques that read easy on paper but discussing this with your child can get quite messy if it isn't played out first.. My advice is role play what you are going to go through with your child on a friend or partner. Then when you are discussing this with your child, Role play each situation with your child. Take it in turns of being the bully and being your child. Most importantly have fun with role playing, don't make it too dark.
7. REPORT
If it is getting physical then a line needs to be drawn
Report to your childs teacher that bullying is happening
You have gone through these techniques
Every week follow up with the teacher
If it becomes physical or escalates in any way it is time to make a formal complaint to the teacher and principal if necessary.
Under no circumstance is it ok to approach the parents of the bully.. Remember the bully has low self esteem too and this will come across as an attack no matter how politely you put it.
Plus, sometimes... Bully kids are from bully parents.
If you would like to know more about how our classes can help your child build the confidence and display assertive behaviour then please contact us on 1300 716 360 for your nearest centre.
To the success of your family
http://www.selfesteemcentre.com.au
Perth, Australia
1300 716 360
Louise Evans
http://www.selfesteemcentre.com.au
Perth, Australia
1300 716 360
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