As children growing up in authoritarian household, we felt repressed in many ways. We were angry, and some of us rebelled whenever we could (and get away with it). When we got old enough to not be spanked anymore, we went wild and had fights with our parents. We said what we thought and came close to being kicked out of the house, more than once. Others were quiet and choose not to say anything, but inwardly vowed to never treat a child in that manner. We promised we would listen to our children. We would be open and totally loving. We'd give them independence that we ourselves longed for. And this, for the most part is what has happened with many parents raising children today. But there's a very big problem with this.

If you are not familiar with it, think about the last time you asked yourself "why does so and so never discipline her child? It's just crazy" or maybe that parent is you and that's why you've never heard it. If this is the case, you've at least asked yourself why you don't seem to be respected by your child.

The problem is that the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. We are off kilter and out of balance. In struggling so hard to "not be like mom" we have let the situation get out of control, giving too much freedom too early to our children, and not enforcing strict values that our authoritarian parents forced on us without the explanation.

Some parents have found equilibrium after much frustration and sadness. Hopefully, by seeing the situation for what it is, you'll be able to correct before it gets out of control, and you begin going grey.

When my first child was born, I vowed I'd be the coolest mom on the block. I would be my child's best friend, I would explain everything to him, and I would give him that freedom that I had always longer for. When this spirited child was 3, I realized that in giving all this freedom, I was raising a tyrant, or rather, he was raising me as a perfect, albeit exhausted, servant. Spirited child are different, and that's why most of us get one... it's good for soul growth. But it also helps you step out of the box, because everything you thought would work, does not.

The solution for both spirited children and permissive parenting (where your children end up not respecting you because of your seeming lack of backbone) there is a wonderful balance to be had.

Of the four recognized parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative - the one I am advocating, permissive and uninvolved) authoritative parenting leads to happy, capable and successful children.

What is authoritative parenting? It's democratic parenting with guidelines. It means you have general rules, but you listen to the input of your child. You adjust your rules when its befitting and you guide your children. You're nurturing and seek natural consequences rather than punishment, but you do hold your child accountable for their actions.

I see so many parents who just do not know where to turn. They feel like they have tried everything. The key to happy parenting, and happy children is connected, involved parenting. Guidelines need to be in place. You should have certain expectations for your children, but you should also be nurturing, involved in their lives and unconditionally loving. If you want your sanity, try setting some ground rules, and STICK TO THEM. If you want your children to have good friends, then teach them values that are so important to a balanced healthy lifestyle.

Consistency makes children feel safe. Once they feel safe, spontaneity is welcome. Don't feel like you have to give in to your child because you feel worn down when he doesn't get his way. No is no if it has to be (and sometimes it has to be no). Honor that, stay calm and say no. Your child might get angry, but eventually will come back to you and talk it out. Showing firmness when things are important to you will gain you more respect than giving in time after time.

It's come to my attention more than once recently that moms are losing friends over their children's behavior. There is something quite wrong with that scenario. Your children should be respectful to others and considerate just as you are respectful and considerate of others. If you do not address the issue, you might find yourself raising your child without many mama friends, and we all need that support. Take a look at your parenting style - are you:

Authoritarian - "Do as I say, not as I do" and "because I said so!"

Authoritative - Place limits but encourage independence; fair and consistent, allows child to express himself

Permissive - It's ok, Junior is just expressive himself as he's rude to a guest

Uninvolved - Thank goodness for video games, now I can have 10 hours of uninterrupted "me" time! Why did I ever have kids anyway?!

If you tend to fall into the Permissive category as so many of us do who have been parented in the authoritative style, take a good look at what truly serves your child. Permissive parented children tend to lack self-discipline. They often have poor social skills and are demanding of you and others which is why they are seldom invited to others homes more than once and you may be losing your friends over it. Believe it or not, children who are raised with such permissiveness are actually not that happy (although you might assume they would be with all that freedom). They lack the guidelines usually given by parents and therefore can have a tendency to feel internally out of control and insecure deep down.

Give yourself and your child a wonderful gift. Start laying down some guidelines and rules. Demand respect and show respect as well. Allow your child to express himself but not to the determent of others. There are many ways children can express themselves and this does not include being out of control or screaming at others at the top of their lungs (unless they are really little and still learning self-control) and even then it needs to be discussed.

So swing the pendulum back just a bit. There's no need to be the polar opposite of your authoritarian mother. You are your own person, you make your own choices. Do what works for your family and what allows your child to be happy, healthy and confident in who he is, while you enjoy parenting and come to know it as the beautiful spiritual journey that it is.

Mellisa Dormoy is the founder of ShambalaKids Relaxation CD's for kids and teens. Mellisa specializes in guided imagery and children and teen's self-esteem.

You can find more information about Mellisa and her work, including more articles and resources at http://www.ShambalaKids.com

By Mellisa Dormoy