A common theme in stories aimed at children and teens is revenge. Whether comedy, drama or even fantasy, the main character often overcomes some form of humiliation or loss by plotting out and successfully carrying out a plan to meet out justice by inflicting some kind of pain or embarrassment. Sometimes no actual harm was done to the main character but a person was targeted because they were arrogant, or disliked, wealthy, or simply getting too much attention. The message, sometimes plain as day and other times more indirect, is that retribution is the best way to reclaim one's honor, confidence, or status. Why are these stories so popular? Because kids can relate to them. In fact, recent studies have shown that young people have taken these messages very seriously and bullying, which has been dramatically increasing among youth, is associated with increasing status, power and self-esteem.
Jealousy is often portrayed to be caused by external factors, rationalizing the feeling and resulting behavior as justified, and reinforcing attitudes and behavior that are largely destructive. Parents have been told (and they have reiterated this to their children) that young people have a right to their emotions. But there is a profound difference between acknowledging feelings and accepting all feelings as healthy and constructive.
The bottom line is that people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent are typically more jealous than others. We all feel jealous at some point in our lives and to some extent it is a normal part of our emotional toolkit that helps us express our fears and insecurities. But as we mature, we realize that jealousy is a symptom of these underlying feelings that we hopefully can identify and address. Unresolved, these feelings can transform us into mean-spirited, self-absorbed individuals that end up destroying relationships and pushing people who care about us away. The expression -"what you fear is what you create"'- rings especially true in this situation.
Irrational or chronic jealousy is never healthy and can be triggered by imagined or misperceived events. Embracing jealousy as a legitimate reason to hurt others is giving our power over to others. We become reactive beings rather than individuals who can manage their feelings and make conscious decisions about what is in our best interest, how we wish to spend our energy and talents, and what values we wish to live by. We have the power to define ourselves rather than be defined by our circumstances and emotional impulses. This is a very important message young people need to hear and understand.
When we feel jealous, on a primal level we are experiencing a threat and fear. We are worried that a loss of this person or thing will lead to terrible consequences. Our first impulse is to avoid or prevent the perceived danger. For many people with chronic jealousy, there is an old wound that has never been healed. In the case of a child, it may be related to parents who are preoccupied, stressed, or could not meet their basic need for safety and security. If parents somehow give the impression that children are a burden or that the child's need for intimacy and/or acceptance is a weakness or negative trait, these children grow up feeling like they are on their own, isolated, craving intimate relationships.
Although feelings of jealousy and anger should never be shamed or minimized, they need to be addressed. They cannot be fixed with arguments or avoidance.
Feelings of abandonment, rejection, or inadequacy need to be identified and voiced. If they are severe, speaking to a professional is the best course of action. But overcoming jealousy and anger begins with awareness. By changing what you believe, you can change what your imagination is projecting. It requires changing the core beliefs of insecurity and victimization that create negative self-talk.
Parents should encourage their children to:
1. view managing their reactive behavior as a way to recover personal power
2. shift their perspective or story in their mind that is creating a lot of negative self-talk. At first, even if they don't believe it, they should tell themselves a different story just to calm themselves down and be able to make a conscious decision about what they would like to do when they feel more in control. Example: A child sees her best friend whispering to someone she dislikes and believes they are talking about her. She should force herself to imagine that she is telling this girl what a great time the two of them had at the mall. Not true? Doesn't matter! It's a tool to get her to calm down and not be the crazy girl who goes into a crying fit.
3. get into the habit of identifying the core beliefs that trigger an emotional reaction by asking themselves questions, i.e. Why do I feel so upset? What am I afraid will happen? What are the best ways for me to handle this?
4. get involved in activities that allow them to express themselves (art, music, writing, dance, etc.) and contribute their talents to others. Not only will they discover constructive ways to deal with their emotions but learn the positive impact they can make in the world.
Finally, it is important to remember that children learn from parents that one of the mechanisms to control other peoples' attention and behavior is through outbursts of emotion, especially anger. When children are punished, anger is often accompanied. Harsh words are used. Children come to associate anger and emotionalism with control. That lesson can stay with them throughout their lives.
Ongoing anger, resentment, and jealousy can become a way of life, a permanent lens through which a young person views the world. This can lead to many other health issues including depression and drug dependence. Addressing these issues early and helping children find ways to manage and cope with these feelings is critical to their future health and happiness.
Hermine Steinberg is a parent, teacher and children's author. She recently released her fantasy-adventure - The Co-Walkers, Awakening. http://www.cowalkers.com
By Hermine Steinberg
Jealousy is often portrayed to be caused by external factors, rationalizing the feeling and resulting behavior as justified, and reinforcing attitudes and behavior that are largely destructive. Parents have been told (and they have reiterated this to their children) that young people have a right to their emotions. But there is a profound difference between acknowledging feelings and accepting all feelings as healthy and constructive.
The bottom line is that people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent are typically more jealous than others. We all feel jealous at some point in our lives and to some extent it is a normal part of our emotional toolkit that helps us express our fears and insecurities. But as we mature, we realize that jealousy is a symptom of these underlying feelings that we hopefully can identify and address. Unresolved, these feelings can transform us into mean-spirited, self-absorbed individuals that end up destroying relationships and pushing people who care about us away. The expression -"what you fear is what you create"'- rings especially true in this situation.
Irrational or chronic jealousy is never healthy and can be triggered by imagined or misperceived events. Embracing jealousy as a legitimate reason to hurt others is giving our power over to others. We become reactive beings rather than individuals who can manage their feelings and make conscious decisions about what is in our best interest, how we wish to spend our energy and talents, and what values we wish to live by. We have the power to define ourselves rather than be defined by our circumstances and emotional impulses. This is a very important message young people need to hear and understand.
When we feel jealous, on a primal level we are experiencing a threat and fear. We are worried that a loss of this person or thing will lead to terrible consequences. Our first impulse is to avoid or prevent the perceived danger. For many people with chronic jealousy, there is an old wound that has never been healed. In the case of a child, it may be related to parents who are preoccupied, stressed, or could not meet their basic need for safety and security. If parents somehow give the impression that children are a burden or that the child's need for intimacy and/or acceptance is a weakness or negative trait, these children grow up feeling like they are on their own, isolated, craving intimate relationships.
Although feelings of jealousy and anger should never be shamed or minimized, they need to be addressed. They cannot be fixed with arguments or avoidance.
Feelings of abandonment, rejection, or inadequacy need to be identified and voiced. If they are severe, speaking to a professional is the best course of action. But overcoming jealousy and anger begins with awareness. By changing what you believe, you can change what your imagination is projecting. It requires changing the core beliefs of insecurity and victimization that create negative self-talk.
Parents should encourage their children to:
1. view managing their reactive behavior as a way to recover personal power
2. shift their perspective or story in their mind that is creating a lot of negative self-talk. At first, even if they don't believe it, they should tell themselves a different story just to calm themselves down and be able to make a conscious decision about what they would like to do when they feel more in control. Example: A child sees her best friend whispering to someone she dislikes and believes they are talking about her. She should force herself to imagine that she is telling this girl what a great time the two of them had at the mall. Not true? Doesn't matter! It's a tool to get her to calm down and not be the crazy girl who goes into a crying fit.
3. get into the habit of identifying the core beliefs that trigger an emotional reaction by asking themselves questions, i.e. Why do I feel so upset? What am I afraid will happen? What are the best ways for me to handle this?
4. get involved in activities that allow them to express themselves (art, music, writing, dance, etc.) and contribute their talents to others. Not only will they discover constructive ways to deal with their emotions but learn the positive impact they can make in the world.
Finally, it is important to remember that children learn from parents that one of the mechanisms to control other peoples' attention and behavior is through outbursts of emotion, especially anger. When children are punished, anger is often accompanied. Harsh words are used. Children come to associate anger and emotionalism with control. That lesson can stay with them throughout their lives.
Ongoing anger, resentment, and jealousy can become a way of life, a permanent lens through which a young person views the world. This can lead to many other health issues including depression and drug dependence. Addressing these issues early and helping children find ways to manage and cope with these feelings is critical to their future health and happiness.
Hermine Steinberg is a parent, teacher and children's author. She recently released her fantasy-adventure - The Co-Walkers, Awakening. http://www.cowalkers.com
By Hermine Steinberg
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