Q: We are having a big problem at our house over the use of the phone. It rings constantly, we never get to see our daughter and she would talk all night if we let her. Help!!
A. Using the phone seems to be a rite of passage for many teen-agers. The bad news is that telephone use is an area ripe for power struggles.
Over the years, I have seen families get into simply horrendous battles over this relatively simple issue.
Except in the most extreme circumstances, don't completely cut your teen-ager off from the phone for more than a day. For adults, the phone may be an intrusion, but for teens it may be an outlet, even their lifeline to friends.
Some frustrated parents actually take all the phones from the house when they leave for work and lock them in the car trunk, hooking them back up when they return home.
What has happened here is that the parents have confused controlling an adolescent with managing an adolescent. As I've said before, trying to control a teen-ager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla.
Kids and Teens and the Phone: Six Criteria for Addressing the Problem
The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teen-ager is all in how you approach the situation.
A management approach meets the following six criteria:
1. The parents are clearly in charge
2. The teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more and more in charge of herself
3. There is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility
4. The parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen
5. There are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that she cannot be in charge of herself (just as in the real world)
6. There is a clear map for how to earn back trust and responsibility.
The 6 criteria applied
Applying the six criteria to the issue of the phone, here are a couple of ideas you can try.
One is to start the teen out with a certain amount of phone time each day, say, 15 minutes. If they are able to honor that amount of time, say, for three months, they earn an additional five minutes of time, and so on.
You can change them to fit your own situation.)
A. Using the phone seems to be a rite of passage for many teen-agers. The bad news is that telephone use is an area ripe for power struggles.
Over the years, I have seen families get into simply horrendous battles over this relatively simple issue.
Except in the most extreme circumstances, don't completely cut your teen-ager off from the phone for more than a day. For adults, the phone may be an intrusion, but for teens it may be an outlet, even their lifeline to friends.
Some frustrated parents actually take all the phones from the house when they leave for work and lock them in the car trunk, hooking them back up when they return home.
What has happened here is that the parents have confused controlling an adolescent with managing an adolescent. As I've said before, trying to control a teen-ager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla.
Kids and Teens and the Phone: Six Criteria for Addressing the Problem
The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teen-ager is all in how you approach the situation.
A management approach meets the following six criteria:
1. The parents are clearly in charge
2. The teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more and more in charge of herself
3. There is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility
4. The parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen
5. There are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that she cannot be in charge of herself (just as in the real world)
6. There is a clear map for how to earn back trust and responsibility.
The 6 criteria applied
Applying the six criteria to the issue of the phone, here are a couple of ideas you can try.
One is to start the teen out with a certain amount of phone time each day, say, 15 minutes. If they are able to honor that amount of time, say, for three months, they earn an additional five minutes of time, and so on.
You can change them to fit your own situation.)
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