Back to school can be a tricky time for lots of reasons, especially if you have changed over the summer. You and your friends may look different in the fall than you did when you left school in May. You may be darker from spending time outside or have braids from your trip to the beach, you may be stronger from your summer job or wilderness camp, you may have a new hair cut or new clothes. If you had a growth spurt over the summer, you may be a different size or shape.
It can be stressful to wonder what others will think of your new look, especially if you are already self-conscious or you hang with a group that tends to judge people’s looks. Hopefully your friends are your friends because you like each other, have fun together, support each other, and feel good about yourself when you're with them. When you see your friends for the first time after the summer, maybe you could say things like, “I am SO glad to see you!” and give them a hug or a high-five, instead of saying how good they look. Grown-ups comment on each other’s looks (especially weight) all the time, but it’s not a very grown-up thing to do. Even though “You look so good!” is a compliment, it’s a negative if we are only focusing on someone’s appearance over all their other qualities. The problem is that it’s the easiest thing to focus on at first glance, and sometimes we fall back on appearance comments when we don’t have anything else to say.
If one of your friends says, “Did you see so-and-so? Did you see how she looks?” or “What happened to her over the summer?” you could say, “I feel self-conscious about looking different this year, let's not talk about how people look right now,” “I’m trying not to gossip this year,” or something like that. It may be easier to just say, “I like the way that looks” or “Yeah, but she’s brave for dying her hair blue” or some other comment that turns a negative into a positive.
If you are the person making those mean comments, remember they don’t just affect the person you’re talking about – in fact that person may not ever know. In the end, negative comments about other people can make you feel cool at first, but they usually make you and the people around you feel worse later.
The person judging feels so insecure that they have to point out other people’s flaws so no one will notice theirs. No matter how together or cool someone looks on the outside, it may not match their feelings. The saying “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is so untrue. If you’ve ever found out that people have been talking about you behind your back, or if you’ve ever been teased right to your face, you know that words can hurt a lot. Even small comments. I know changing is hard, and feeling different is hard, too. Even grown-ups have a hard time pointing out to our friends that what they are doing hurts. But when we are feeling grown-up, we do, because judging people on their looks hurts all of us, and it's worth it to make the change.
Teps on Talking with Your Kids about Sex
Sexuality is a normal part of growing up. For most parents and caregivers, though, sex is often an uncomfortable topic to approach with their kids. Some people fear that talking openly about sex will give the message “you should have sex and lots of it.” You as a parent or caregiver can be a healthy role model for them, and teach them limits and boundaries while recognizing their natural curiosities.
Teaching children about safety and responsibility is very important to their development. Sharing your values with them openly and giving them reasons behind your values can be very meaningful and can influence children to think before they act. Not speaking with children about sex increases the likelihood of them finding out misinformation from their peers or encourages them to practice unsafe sex. Keeping kids “in the dark” about sex can be likened to not teaching them household safety; what they don’t know could hurt them.
Children and adolescents often think they are invincible, that they will not get pregnant or contract any sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) such as HIV, Herpes, or other diseases too numerous to mention. It is important to approach the topic of sexuality, to discuss the pleasures and risks of sex with them. “If all my friends are doing it….” As a parent, you have the ability to counteract some of the peer pressure with healthy messages.
The following are a few suggestions you may use to discuss sex openly with children and adolescents:
1. Educate yourself about child and teenage sexual development, and safer sex. You can read materials, attend workshops, or watch videos about how to talk you’re your kids about sex before they become sexually active. Talk with your children about their bodies, including body functions in a way they can understand based on their age. Avoid shaming them for being curious about sexuality.
2. Discuss your values about sex, and why you chose those values.
3. Talk about possible positive and negative outcomes of sexual behavior.
4. As needed, use some age-appropriate educational books, videos, or pamphlets geared to children and adolescents.
5. Allow your children to ask questions about sex, and be as honest as you can with them.
6. Talk with children and teens about what to expect from their bodies due to hormonal changes, such as development of breasts, menstruation, masturbation, wet dreams, body hair, genitals, etc. so they are not “freaked out” by these natural changes.
7. Discuss safer sex practices, and unsafe ones. Include information about birth control, risks of various sexual activities such as kissing, petting, and intercourse, as is age appropriate.
8. Take your youngster workshops, sex education classes, or to a clinic so they can have access to information and resources.
A young person’s high self-esteem goes a long way.
If you are too uncomfortable discussing the issues, you can also seek consultation with a therapist that can guide you through. Either way, there is help and resources available.
Whether we like it or not, children and teens are usually curious about sexuality. It is part of growing up. Encourage them to make informed and healthy decisions. Make yourself available to them as a listener and resource in case things to go awry. There are no guarantees that they won’t rebel, act irresponsibly, or find themselves in troubling circumstances. Sometimes, you may need additional support or intervention. You might want to access a local agency or find a counselor or coach that can help you and your kids succeed and thrive!
It can be stressful to wonder what others will think of your new look, especially if you are already self-conscious or you hang with a group that tends to judge people’s looks. Hopefully your friends are your friends because you like each other, have fun together, support each other, and feel good about yourself when you're with them. When you see your friends for the first time after the summer, maybe you could say things like, “I am SO glad to see you!” and give them a hug or a high-five, instead of saying how good they look. Grown-ups comment on each other’s looks (especially weight) all the time, but it’s not a very grown-up thing to do. Even though “You look so good!” is a compliment, it’s a negative if we are only focusing on someone’s appearance over all their other qualities. The problem is that it’s the easiest thing to focus on at first glance, and sometimes we fall back on appearance comments when we don’t have anything else to say.
If one of your friends says, “Did you see so-and-so? Did you see how she looks?” or “What happened to her over the summer?” you could say, “I feel self-conscious about looking different this year, let's not talk about how people look right now,” “I’m trying not to gossip this year,” or something like that. It may be easier to just say, “I like the way that looks” or “Yeah, but she’s brave for dying her hair blue” or some other comment that turns a negative into a positive.
If you are the person making those mean comments, remember they don’t just affect the person you’re talking about – in fact that person may not ever know. In the end, negative comments about other people can make you feel cool at first, but they usually make you and the people around you feel worse later.
The person judging feels so insecure that they have to point out other people’s flaws so no one will notice theirs. No matter how together or cool someone looks on the outside, it may not match their feelings. The saying “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is so untrue. If you’ve ever found out that people have been talking about you behind your back, or if you’ve ever been teased right to your face, you know that words can hurt a lot. Even small comments. I know changing is hard, and feeling different is hard, too. Even grown-ups have a hard time pointing out to our friends that what they are doing hurts. But when we are feeling grown-up, we do, because judging people on their looks hurts all of us, and it's worth it to make the change.
Teps on Talking with Your Kids about Sex
Sexuality is a normal part of growing up. For most parents and caregivers, though, sex is often an uncomfortable topic to approach with their kids. Some people fear that talking openly about sex will give the message “you should have sex and lots of it.” You as a parent or caregiver can be a healthy role model for them, and teach them limits and boundaries while recognizing their natural curiosities.
Teaching children about safety and responsibility is very important to their development. Sharing your values with them openly and giving them reasons behind your values can be very meaningful and can influence children to think before they act. Not speaking with children about sex increases the likelihood of them finding out misinformation from their peers or encourages them to practice unsafe sex. Keeping kids “in the dark” about sex can be likened to not teaching them household safety; what they don’t know could hurt them.
Children and adolescents often think they are invincible, that they will not get pregnant or contract any sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) such as HIV, Herpes, or other diseases too numerous to mention. It is important to approach the topic of sexuality, to discuss the pleasures and risks of sex with them. “If all my friends are doing it….” As a parent, you have the ability to counteract some of the peer pressure with healthy messages.
The following are a few suggestions you may use to discuss sex openly with children and adolescents:
1. Educate yourself about child and teenage sexual development, and safer sex. You can read materials, attend workshops, or watch videos about how to talk you’re your kids about sex before they become sexually active. Talk with your children about their bodies, including body functions in a way they can understand based on their age. Avoid shaming them for being curious about sexuality.
2. Discuss your values about sex, and why you chose those values.
3. Talk about possible positive and negative outcomes of sexual behavior.
4. As needed, use some age-appropriate educational books, videos, or pamphlets geared to children and adolescents.
5. Allow your children to ask questions about sex, and be as honest as you can with them.
6. Talk with children and teens about what to expect from their bodies due to hormonal changes, such as development of breasts, menstruation, masturbation, wet dreams, body hair, genitals, etc. so they are not “freaked out” by these natural changes.
7. Discuss safer sex practices, and unsafe ones. Include information about birth control, risks of various sexual activities such as kissing, petting, and intercourse, as is age appropriate.
8. Take your youngster workshops, sex education classes, or to a clinic so they can have access to information and resources.
A young person’s high self-esteem goes a long way.
If you are too uncomfortable discussing the issues, you can also seek consultation with a therapist that can guide you through. Either way, there is help and resources available.
Whether we like it or not, children and teens are usually curious about sexuality. It is part of growing up. Encourage them to make informed and healthy decisions. Make yourself available to them as a listener and resource in case things to go awry. There are no guarantees that they won’t rebel, act irresponsibly, or find themselves in troubling circumstances. Sometimes, you may need additional support or intervention. You might want to access a local agency or find a counselor or coach that can help you and your kids succeed and thrive!
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