By GR Melnick
Not many students can get through a school day without either being bullied or seeing someone being bullied. With national odds at 60% of teens, witnessing bullying it's a good bet you are seeing your fair share.
Bullying comes in three major forms, physical, psychological, and cyber. We will deal with the cyber bully in another section.
Boys have a tendency to physical bully doing things like shoving, tripping, or punching. For the girl bullies the weapons of choice are things like malicious gossip, taunting or teasing.
Bullies targets of choice are most often the student who is thought of as being different. It might be because of appearance, social position, looks, race or religion. The easiest targets for bullies are the students who don't belong to a popular group. Bullies are not brave, not really so they choose those they consider the most vulnerable, the stragglers, much like a lion cutting a vulnerable zebra from the herd.
The stress of bullying can lead to physical trauma such as stomach pains, loss of appetite and migraine types of headaches. The mental stresses such as the feelings of shame, anxiety of waiting for the next attack, the feeling of being an outsider can lead to sadness and even suicide.
If you are doing the bullying or are part of a group doing bullying stop and give what you are doing some thought? For the person you are picking on life could be intolerable. How do you know whether you are a bully?
Do you pick on kids smaller than you?
Do you enjoy teasing people?
Do you laugh at others mistakes but get mad if they laugh at yours?
Do you blame others for anything that goes wrong in your life?
Do you want to seem tough or a leader?
Do you feel you always have to be right?
Do you feel you always have to be a success at whatever you do?
Do you get angry when someone else does something better than you?
If you answer yes to more than two of these questions, it is possible you might well be a bully and not even be aware of it.
How would you feel if someone you bullied committed suicide and left a note saying you were the cause of the suicide? Picture yourself trying to explain your conduct to the victim's family, or to your family. Imagine what rumors will fly around the school, and around the neighborhood. You would have to live with this the rest of your life. When your actions cause the destruction of a life, being sorry does not count.
Now switch and let's say you are the victim of bullying. What can you do about it before it gets too out of hand? Mental health experts tell us that there are many reasons a person becomes a bully, but frankly you could care less if you are the person being bullied. Your only worry is how to end it.
So here are some things you can try to put an end to the problem:
1. Avoid being alone as much as possible. If you don't have some friends of your own make a real effort to make some. Chances are you are not the only one being picked on and the old saying that there is strength in numbers is true.
2. Don't for one minute believe you deserve being bullied. For whatever reason you might be different, you might not fit in, but someday you could well end being their boss. Feel good about yourself, even if you have to pretend at the start. You are the only person who can give the bully a win by blaming yourself for the treatment.
3. Walk away. Letting the bully get under your skin is a reward for him. Their ego is fed when you rise to their taunts. Is that something you really want to do? Bullies are like stray dogs, once you feed them they will keep coming back for more.
4. Don't get physical. If the bully thought for one minute that you were a physical threat you would not be picked on. So unless you have some sort of kung fu talent keep your cool.
5. Dealing with gossip. Sad but sure people love to gossip. Adults do it, kids do it, and seldom if ever does anyone think of the consequences to the person they are gossiping about. The only way to handle it is to find a few friends, explain how the gossip is hurting you and then set the record straight. Let them know you would not believe gossip about them and would defend them and you would hope they do the same for you.
6. Talk to a teacher or your parents. Ya I know this is a tough one. No teen likes having an adult fight their battles for them, but sometimes you have no choice. Look, their job is to give you the best start in life they can and defending you against bullying are part of that job. Tell them you have a problem, and you need advice on how to deal with it. By doing it this way, that is asking for advice on how to deal with it, you are not asking them to handle it for you. What they do with it from that point on is up to you. Consider the different choices open to you and then choose the one that works the best for you.
7. Off the wall ideas. These are ideas that are a bit different but worth at least thinking about.
Consider a personal alarm. This is a small hand held device about the same size as a car door opener. When pressed it puts out a very loud 130 db alarm. You can get them on the net for anywhere from $10 to $20. Keep it with you if you really feel you are in danger. It might also provide you a feeling of security.
Try negotiation. See whether the bully will tell you why you were chosen to be picked upon. Then ask what you could do to change the situation. Let the bully know that what is fun for him is pain for you. Sometimes bullies are just clueless about the effects of their actions. If you think the bully could be violent then choose a time to negotiate when someone is around who could protect you. Otherwise just make sure none of the bullies group are near at hand so there is no audience to play to.
Fantasize the future. Realize that there will be a time when you and the bully will go your different ways. Until that day think about some point in the future where you are the person in power and the bully is the one seeking your help. Even if it never happens it is still fun to think about that time. It's sort of like buying a one dollar lottery tick and then thinking about how you would spend the millions you will win.
G. R. Melnick is the author of the book I Am Worth Knowing, a guide on how to make friends for those who are shy. In addition a web site at http://www.iamworthknowing.com with tips and advice for teens who want to live life on their terms.
Not many students can get through a school day without either being bullied or seeing someone being bullied. With national odds at 60% of teens, witnessing bullying it's a good bet you are seeing your fair share.
Bullying comes in three major forms, physical, psychological, and cyber. We will deal with the cyber bully in another section.
Boys have a tendency to physical bully doing things like shoving, tripping, or punching. For the girl bullies the weapons of choice are things like malicious gossip, taunting or teasing.
Bullies targets of choice are most often the student who is thought of as being different. It might be because of appearance, social position, looks, race or religion. The easiest targets for bullies are the students who don't belong to a popular group. Bullies are not brave, not really so they choose those they consider the most vulnerable, the stragglers, much like a lion cutting a vulnerable zebra from the herd.
The stress of bullying can lead to physical trauma such as stomach pains, loss of appetite and migraine types of headaches. The mental stresses such as the feelings of shame, anxiety of waiting for the next attack, the feeling of being an outsider can lead to sadness and even suicide.
If you are doing the bullying or are part of a group doing bullying stop and give what you are doing some thought? For the person you are picking on life could be intolerable. How do you know whether you are a bully?
Do you pick on kids smaller than you?
Do you enjoy teasing people?
Do you laugh at others mistakes but get mad if they laugh at yours?
Do you blame others for anything that goes wrong in your life?
Do you want to seem tough or a leader?
Do you feel you always have to be right?
Do you feel you always have to be a success at whatever you do?
Do you get angry when someone else does something better than you?
If you answer yes to more than two of these questions, it is possible you might well be a bully and not even be aware of it.
How would you feel if someone you bullied committed suicide and left a note saying you were the cause of the suicide? Picture yourself trying to explain your conduct to the victim's family, or to your family. Imagine what rumors will fly around the school, and around the neighborhood. You would have to live with this the rest of your life. When your actions cause the destruction of a life, being sorry does not count.
Now switch and let's say you are the victim of bullying. What can you do about it before it gets too out of hand? Mental health experts tell us that there are many reasons a person becomes a bully, but frankly you could care less if you are the person being bullied. Your only worry is how to end it.
So here are some things you can try to put an end to the problem:
1. Avoid being alone as much as possible. If you don't have some friends of your own make a real effort to make some. Chances are you are not the only one being picked on and the old saying that there is strength in numbers is true.
2. Don't for one minute believe you deserve being bullied. For whatever reason you might be different, you might not fit in, but someday you could well end being their boss. Feel good about yourself, even if you have to pretend at the start. You are the only person who can give the bully a win by blaming yourself for the treatment.
3. Walk away. Letting the bully get under your skin is a reward for him. Their ego is fed when you rise to their taunts. Is that something you really want to do? Bullies are like stray dogs, once you feed them they will keep coming back for more.
4. Don't get physical. If the bully thought for one minute that you were a physical threat you would not be picked on. So unless you have some sort of kung fu talent keep your cool.
5. Dealing with gossip. Sad but sure people love to gossip. Adults do it, kids do it, and seldom if ever does anyone think of the consequences to the person they are gossiping about. The only way to handle it is to find a few friends, explain how the gossip is hurting you and then set the record straight. Let them know you would not believe gossip about them and would defend them and you would hope they do the same for you.
6. Talk to a teacher or your parents. Ya I know this is a tough one. No teen likes having an adult fight their battles for them, but sometimes you have no choice. Look, their job is to give you the best start in life they can and defending you against bullying are part of that job. Tell them you have a problem, and you need advice on how to deal with it. By doing it this way, that is asking for advice on how to deal with it, you are not asking them to handle it for you. What they do with it from that point on is up to you. Consider the different choices open to you and then choose the one that works the best for you.
7. Off the wall ideas. These are ideas that are a bit different but worth at least thinking about.
Consider a personal alarm. This is a small hand held device about the same size as a car door opener. When pressed it puts out a very loud 130 db alarm. You can get them on the net for anywhere from $10 to $20. Keep it with you if you really feel you are in danger. It might also provide you a feeling of security.
Try negotiation. See whether the bully will tell you why you were chosen to be picked upon. Then ask what you could do to change the situation. Let the bully know that what is fun for him is pain for you. Sometimes bullies are just clueless about the effects of their actions. If you think the bully could be violent then choose a time to negotiate when someone is around who could protect you. Otherwise just make sure none of the bullies group are near at hand so there is no audience to play to.
Fantasize the future. Realize that there will be a time when you and the bully will go your different ways. Until that day think about some point in the future where you are the person in power and the bully is the one seeking your help. Even if it never happens it is still fun to think about that time. It's sort of like buying a one dollar lottery tick and then thinking about how you would spend the millions you will win.
G. R. Melnick is the author of the book I Am Worth Knowing, a guide on how to make friends for those who are shy. In addition a web site at http://www.iamworthknowing.com with tips and advice for teens who want to live life on their terms.
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