By Shyam A Sunder
You may have read recently about the hazing incident in a major college. Hazing is an extreme example of peer pressure.
Before we talk about how to cope with it, let us define peer pressure.
Peer pressure is simple one person or more, exercising a degree of influence over another person to behave or act in a certain way in exchange for the second person being "accepted" as part of a group. Such pressure can be exercized in a healthy or unhealthy way, over kids or adults, and to drive outcomes that are negative or positive.
Let break it up. Three elements must be present for peer pressure to be effective exercized.
1. Commanding a defined act -- the person being influenced must be told to commit a certain pre-defined act. It is not peer pressure if your kid is told, "just be yourself", or "do what you feel is best". No, the person exercizing the influence has strict rules about expected behavior. So, e.g. if I told your kid, "I want you, at exactly 5 AM, to come out of your room screaming, "Fire, Fire!", now that is peer pressure. It is given as a command which must be carried out exactly as the person communicating it wants it carried out. No deviation, no improvisation.
2. Reward -- the person being commanded to act in a certain way must be offered a reward. The reward can be acceptance into a group, a "badge", i.e. a title, or other reward, usually non-monetary. The reward is promised instantaneously which is why peer pressure is so effective.
3. Conformance -- remember that quite often, if not always, the peer pressure to commit a certain act, gets its legitimacy from sustained conformance by "peers", i.e. similar individuals to your kid. They may be classmates, workmates, same gender, same courses etc.
This last part is very important. Conformance by others lulls the kid into thinking that it is something special, since many of his or her colleagues are going through the same ritual.
So how do you get your kid to stand up and say no.
Before you start preaching or forbidding your kid to not fall prey to peer pressure, open his mind. Ask him series of simple questions, maybe because you are trying to understand his situation. Then once you know if the three conditions I described are present, you have to systematically let your kid work it out first within himself. You can ask pointed questions. E.g. instead of something destructive that your kid is being told to do, have him counter the "leader" of the group asking him to perform the act, with offering to do something useful and needed. So if it is school. let the leader know you think a better and lasting act of peer performance is to help someone in need. Then ask your kid to challenge the leader by asking, "I am sure you think this act of kindness is something you not only feel comfortable with but actively encourage others to perform it.
You may have read recently about the hazing incident in a major college. Hazing is an extreme example of peer pressure.
Before we talk about how to cope with it, let us define peer pressure.
Peer pressure is simple one person or more, exercising a degree of influence over another person to behave or act in a certain way in exchange for the second person being "accepted" as part of a group. Such pressure can be exercized in a healthy or unhealthy way, over kids or adults, and to drive outcomes that are negative or positive.
Let break it up. Three elements must be present for peer pressure to be effective exercized.
1. Commanding a defined act -- the person being influenced must be told to commit a certain pre-defined act. It is not peer pressure if your kid is told, "just be yourself", or "do what you feel is best". No, the person exercizing the influence has strict rules about expected behavior. So, e.g. if I told your kid, "I want you, at exactly 5 AM, to come out of your room screaming, "Fire, Fire!", now that is peer pressure. It is given as a command which must be carried out exactly as the person communicating it wants it carried out. No deviation, no improvisation.
2. Reward -- the person being commanded to act in a certain way must be offered a reward. The reward can be acceptance into a group, a "badge", i.e. a title, or other reward, usually non-monetary. The reward is promised instantaneously which is why peer pressure is so effective.
3. Conformance -- remember that quite often, if not always, the peer pressure to commit a certain act, gets its legitimacy from sustained conformance by "peers", i.e. similar individuals to your kid. They may be classmates, workmates, same gender, same courses etc.
This last part is very important. Conformance by others lulls the kid into thinking that it is something special, since many of his or her colleagues are going through the same ritual.
So how do you get your kid to stand up and say no.
Before you start preaching or forbidding your kid to not fall prey to peer pressure, open his mind. Ask him series of simple questions, maybe because you are trying to understand his situation. Then once you know if the three conditions I described are present, you have to systematically let your kid work it out first within himself. You can ask pointed questions. E.g. instead of something destructive that your kid is being told to do, have him counter the "leader" of the group asking him to perform the act, with offering to do something useful and needed. So if it is school. let the leader know you think a better and lasting act of peer performance is to help someone in need. Then ask your kid to challenge the leader by asking, "I am sure you think this act of kindness is something you not only feel comfortable with but actively encourage others to perform it.
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